“You’re really expensive… why wouldn’t I replace you with someone for a third of your salary?”
That was our first one-on-one.
My previous manager, a leader we all respected had just been moved to another team. In his place, leadership brought in a “tech guy” to lead us. I walked into that meeting expecting a transition conversation.
Instead, I got a warning shot.
He spent the rest of the call dismantling everything.
Our former leader was “incompetent.”
Our work didn’t make sense.
Our progress didn’t matter.
I tried to explain, calmly, professionally.
I walked him through how the organization had evolved.
The constraints we had been navigating.
The significant risks we had reduced for the company in just six months.
He didn’t care.
That day, I had my first panic attack. Immediately after the call.
My body understood something my mind hadn’t fully processed yet:
This wasn’t leadership. This was a teardown. And I was a target on top of the list.
When Survival Mode Becomes Your Job Description
I wish I could say I handled it strategically. I didn’t. I went straight into fight-or-flight.
I was leading several teams, for one salary nonetheless, and instinctively shifted into protection mode. I documented everything. I defended my team when he labeled them all underperformers. I helped my top performer transfer out as quickly as possible.
Because deep down, I knew: This ship was going down.
He later asked me to lead a major proposal. I poured everything into it. Every version my team and I presented was met with, “That’s not it.” So, I asked better questions. “What is it? What should we keep? What’s not working?” No answers. Just: “Try again.”
Meeting after meeting became a cycle of criticism without clarity. My teams’ morale was going down the toilet. And my nervous system never turned off.
Why I Stayed Longer Than I Should Have
As awful as it all felt. It was familiar. I was good at surviving environments like this.
Growing up in a volatile home, I had learned to stay hyper-aware, to protect others, and anticipate conflict. If I could take the brunt in order to keep the peace, I could keep things from falling apart. That conditioning made me effective in chaos. But it also made me stay in it far too long. My therapist would later point out, it was an effective survival mechanism as a child, where I had no options. As an adult, it put undue and irreversible harm on me simply because I did not know to jump ship (yet).
The Cost of Staying
Eventually, my body forced me to pay attention. My blood pressure spiked. My anxiety became constant. I gained weight as my body braced for prolonged stress. My body was betraying me, or so I thought. If my hormones had a Richter scale, it would have registered as a natural disaster. I felt foggy, crazy, and I couldn’t out-work it. Some of that damage? I still live with it today.
There’s a statistic that your manager has more impact on your health than your doctor or your spouse. After that experience, I don’t question it.
That’s the thing about our amygdala (the reptilian part of our brains). It doesn’t know the difference between a real imminent threat (a tiger chasing you) or a manager making disparaging remarks and publicly undermining you. In some cases, your brain is right. The threats are both real. It’s just not all that helpful for your adrenaline and cortisol to spike every time you have a meeting with your manager. Afterall, this is someone who is supposed to be leading you to be your best. The cognitive dissonance (the feeling when two opposite things are happening and you can’t understand why you feel not quite right) has you questions yourself, and sometimes your ability and even your sanity. Could it really be that bad?
5 Signs Your Boss Is Toxic
Not every difficult manager is toxic. But if you recognize these patterns consistently, it’s not just a “challenging situation”, it’s a harmful one.
- They Undermine Your Value Early and Often
Comments that question your worth, cost, or replaceability, especially without context, are strategic. They’re psychological positioning. They’re setting the stage. He knew what he was doing with that intro in our first one to one.
- They Rewrite Reality
They dismiss past progress, ignore context, and invalidate wins. What was once success is suddenly “not good enough.” They may tell you your team goals are all bullsh*t. Perhaps even make you change them two months before annual reviews and then point to performance issues.
- Feedback Lacks Clarity (and Keeps You Spinning)
You’re told “this isn’t it,” but never given direction on what is. This creates dependency, confusion, and constant overwork. It’s like playing hot or cold, never knowing which direction the next meeting will take you. It sometimes shows up as waffling, making one decision in a meeting and reversing it in the next.
- They Create a Culture of Fear
Team members are labeled as underperformers broadly. Criticism is public or constant. People start disengaging or quietly exiting. I’ve seen cases where teams freeze. When approaching challenges that would have easily been dealt with through leadership support, turn into standstills and failures to escalate.
- Your Body Is in Constant Stress Mode
You feel it physically: anxiety, poor sleep, brain fog, tension. Your nervous system never fully relaxes, even outside of work. You may even take a vacation, but can’t relax, even just laying poolside in the sun.
That’s not pressure. That’s harm.
3 Actions You Can Take Today to Protect Yourself (or Start Your Exit)
If this situation sounds familiar, the instinct is often to work harder, prove more, and wait it out. There’s a fear, especially right now, that the job market is bad. That maybe the next job is even worse. At least you know what you are dealing with here.
That’s the trap. Here’s what actually helps:
- Start Documenting Everything
Track your work, wins, feedback, and interactions. Not obsessively, but strategically.
This does two things, (1) Protects you if performance becomes a narrative issue, and (2) Gives you concrete examples to leverage in interviews. Note that documenting may not save you, even with HR. They can only do so much, and as all HR professionals know, the decisions lie with the business leader. If yours is toxic, there’s not much HR can do unless there are actual laws being broken. Even then, your best bet is an employment lawyer.
- Quietly Rebuild Your Options
You don’t need to quit tomorrow. But you do need leverage. Update your resume and LinkedIn. Reconnect with your network. Start exploring roles, even casually. Have catch up calls and coffee dates with peers and former colleagues to see what’s going on outside your sphere. The goal isn’t panic. It’s having a choice.
- Stop Seeking Validation from the Wrong Person
This is the hardest shift. If your boss has already decided how they see you, no amount of over-delivering will change it. Even if they keep you around for years, they have set the scene and will continue to use your fear against you.
Instead, redirect that energy. Build your exit strategy. Focus on relationships that do recognize your value. At all costs, protect your mental and physical health. A job is not entitled to your life, just your time in exchange for a result.
The Hardest Part
Leaving because of a toxic boss can feel like failure. Like you’re throwing away everything you’ve built… because of one person. I know I sure felt that way as I was planning my exit.
But you’re not walking away from your career. You’re choosing yourself over an environment that was never designed for your success.
If you’re in this right now, I see you.
The overthinking. The exhaustion. The constant calculation of how to say things “just right.” You don’t need to stay in survival mode to prove your worth. Your worth was never in question. Nor was your loyalty. You just had the misfortune of getting a leader who did not choose you and chooses not to value your skills.
You need a clear, strategic path forward. That’s exactly the work I do.
I help high-performing professionals navigate toxic environments, reposition their experience, and make confident career moves. Ideally, without burning bridges or blowing up everything they’ve built. Though the thought of that sometimes that feels good too.
It can look like a company change, role change, industry change, or going out into business on your own. The same skills that helped you build a career, will help you build the next.
If you’re ready to protect your health, your confidence, and your future, let’s talk.
No need to suffer at the hands of an insufferable boss. They don’t pay us for that.
***
Did this topic add value to you? Please like and subscribe if you want more topics like this, or DM me. I always love suggestions and feedback!
Yvonne Lee-Hawkins is a Holistic Career & Burnout Coach supporting high-performing professionals through career transitions, leadership challenges, and burnout recovery.
You can find out more on her website, or follow her on LinkedIn, Medium, or Instagram.
If you know someone who could use help transforming their career, have them schedule a call here.